


i carry your heart with me

by byakuyakuchiki



Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon - Movie, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Enemy Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, First Love, Friends to Enemies, Introspection, Multi, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 07:52:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13383432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byakuyakuchiki/pseuds/byakuyakuchiki
Summary: Sakata Gintoki and Katsura Kotaro spend one final night with Takasugi Shinsuke. Gintoki remembers the past and hopes for a brighter tomorrow.





	i carry your heart with me

_ He can still feel the pain in his nightmares, the cold steel ripping into his gut, the hilt clasped firmly in Takasugi’s capable hands. The world had seemed to stop in that moment, and Gintoki was sure he would die here at the hands of someone he thought would never hurt him. _

_ When he looks up at Takasugi through the haze of gray stretching over his vision he thinks to himself he has never seen anyone so beautiful. He never will again. _

_ That might not be so bad. It might be better not to live with the ache growing in his chest. _

_ The blood on his fingers is hot when the clasps his hands over the wound and Takasugi turns his back on him, the beginning of an ending. Gintoki wants to call out to him but his tongue is heavy with copper and nothing he can say will ever be enough. _

* * *

There have been restless and sleepless nights since the fight between him and Takasugi on the ship, when he was sore and bloodied from warring against Benizakura. He keeps thinking back to when he was poised above Takasugi with his sword and finally in a position to pay him back for everything he had done and to end his faction before it could do any more damage.

Gintoki lies on his futon with his hands folded over his stomach, where the wound Benizakura dealt him has healed over enough to be nothing more than scar tissue. He had dreamed of Takasugi’s betrayal when he had been rendered unconscious by this wound, a mirror of the one Takasugi had given him before everything between them crumbled into pieces.

It should be easier to deal with than this, he thinks. Years have passed, and Takasugi has proven that his ideals are what he holds most highly and nothing will stop him from achieving him. That alone should have made it easy to see him as nothing more than an enemy.

Gintoki should be able to hate him, to hate the man who had put his kids in danger and whose machinations had almost killed all three of them. He would have never forgiven Takasugi or his people if Kagura and Shinpachi had been injured, much less killed. They are his world now.

Maybe because they had all survived, he finds it hard to hate the man he should have been able to hate years ago. Because Zura is alive and well with only a shorter haircut to remember his near-death experience by, because Kagura and Shinpachi had made it out without anything more serious than a few bruises between them. Elizabeth hadn’t, but well…

He sighs and shifts into a sitting position, listening to the house to make sure he hears no signs of movement before pushing himself to his feet, stretching the muscles in his back. A walk might be in order, a breath of fresh air and some time to himself to clear his mind. If nothing, he can just be restless outside of the house and not risk waking up Kagura and Shinpachi, who do not deserve to lose sleep over the troubles that plague Gintoki’s heart.

No more than five feet out of his front door, a voice calls out behind him, soft but able to be heard over the breeze blowing through the city. “Where are you going?” Zura, of course. Gintoki wonders if he had been on his way here, perhaps just as sleepless as Gintoki himself.

“For a walk in the forest. I can’t sleep.” He says this as sprightly as he can and still Zura gives him a strange look as he comes to stand in front of him, judgement wrapped in quiet grace and still beauty that, quite frankly, is completely unfair. “You’re welcome to come with if you want to, but I’m not going to twist your arm about it.”

Zura offers him a magnanimous smile that Gintoki has trouble wrapping his mind around, but something in him tells him to offer Zura his arm just the same. “The house is quieter without Elizabeth around, so I’ve found that I have some trouble sleeping as well. A walk in the forest might be just the thing to tire me out enough to go to sleep.”

Gintoki bites his tongue at that and says nothing else; the two of them lean on each other during the short walk to the forest and he feels guilty even though he had nothing to do with Elizabeth’s death. That had been the doing of Nizou with Benizakura as his ally, but perhaps if Gintoki had been fast enough to save her instead of only saving Shinpachi… No, best not to dwell on these things. After all, there is nothing to gain from it. Not now that everything is over.

If Zura hated him half as much as he worries, there would be no walk to the forest together. There would be no more communication. Just another childhood friend Gintoki has driven away.

The sounds of the forest at night are peaceful, the lack of people within the lines of the trees and only the quiet nocturnal animals going about their business making it almost relaxing. Gintoki has no great love of the dark and walking about like this almost seems like asking for trouble, but he has Zura here. If the two of them are together, then at the very least the two of them will have each other’s back. That’s really all he needs to feel sure in this place.

He should hardly be surprised when he hears footsteps behind them, just the same. Soft, barely lighting on the ground, delicate almost. He knows whose footsteps those are without even turning around and he feels Zura’s fingers dig into his arm, a silent warning before they turn to face their adversary. The fact he dared to come alone to this place says too much.

Takasugi Shinsuke stands in a patch of moonlight filtering in through the treetops, one hand resting on the bark of a nearby tree, the other at his side. He looks ethereal like this and Gintoki has ever reason to believe he chose this spot specifically because he knew the effect it would have on the two of them. Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he thought Gintoki had hesitated out of naivete instead of the anguish that always claws up his throat when he thinks too long or too hard about Takasugi and everything the three of them no longer have.

“The Shinsengumi are looking for you,” Zura tells him, his voice remaining smooth and blank.

Takasugi cocks his head at them, eyebrow raised. “Are you going to call them to get me?”

The question is met with silence; Gintoki has no desire to involve them at this moment and Zura must not, either, because he makes no move to call for them. They stand apart in this clearing and he wonders why Takasugi followed them out here. Had he been keeping an eye on them?

Of course, this thought is a dangerous one. He has no reason to believe Takasugi would have any reason to keep an eye on them after months had passed since their last encounter and certainly he made no move to contact them before that moment. If he has come here, it must be to fight. Gintoki had brought his sword with him out of habit more than anything else, and he knows Zura has his on him. If they have to fight Takasugi now, so be it.

“If you want something, you should be upfront about it,” Zura says, taking the lead when Gintoki fails to speak up. “If you want to fight, unsheath your sword. We’re ready for you.”

Takasugi holds up a single hand, the moonlight creating interesting shadows that slant across his fingers and his palm. “I’m not here to fight. I wanted to see the two of you.”

Gintoki feels his mouth go dry and his knees weaken beneath him.

* * *

_ The three of them are walking together through a field after a long day at class. Gintoki is only half awake now, having fallen asleep during the final hour or so until Zura had shaken him awake to tell him they could go. Takasugi had fallen in step with them as per usual and none of them were interested in going home just yet, so they took detours. The countryside is wide and beautiful and brimming with life. There are plenty of ways to waste time. _

_ There are wildflowers here and there dotting the tufts of rich green grass and Gintoki splits from the other two when a sprig of bright purple ones catch his eye. The distance is not a long one and he finally shakes off the last hints of fatigue as he hurries beneath the summer sun beating down on his shoulders, not wanting to be left behind. He grasps the flowers by the stem, closer to the ground to preserve as much of it as possible, and plucks them out of the ground. They remind him of Takasugi, and he brings them back to him with a smile. _

_ “What’s this?” Takasugi asks him, taking the flowers from him with careful fingers, bringing them up closer to his face. He closes his eyes when he sniffs them and then favors Gintoki with a bright smile that makes his stomach flip. “They’re pretty. I like them.” _

_ Zura finds another patch of them not long later and brings them back just as loyally, using a bit of string in his pocket to tie the two bundles of flowers together before presenting them to Takasugi. “Purple is your favorite color, so you should have the purple flowers.” _

_ Takasugi smiles a small and secret smile, and he carries the flowers home with him; Gintoki and Zura walk him home together before heading for their own homes. They do not talk about the flowers, and there is no jealousy stretched between the two of them even at their young age. After all, the two of them have been inseparable since they met one another, and they do almost everything together. It’s only natural they would do this together, too. _

* * *

Gintoki checks the house before allowing the other two to step into the house, taking them immediately to his room and checking to make sure Kagura and Shinpachi are deeply asleep before returning to them. It feels almost forbidden to do this after so long, and there is so much pain between the three of them. Maybe he is an idiot. Maybe wanting to put all of that aside for one night is stupid, and everything the others have said about him is just a fact.

So be it, then. He looks to Zura first, who simply nods at him; the two of them know exactly what they intend on doing here and there will be no more hesitation, no conversations to have. Nothing will be solved between them with just talk, and they know better now than to think they can talk Takasugi out of his goals. It would be a wasted effort and the precious time they have together now would be for nothing. So Gintoki steps directly into Takasugi’s personal space, frames his face in his hands (careful with the bandage, always careful) and kisses him.

His lips are warm and soft, a little chapped but that only reminds Gintoki that this is real, and tangible, and not just another dream that ends with him on the receiving end of a stab. Takasugi sighs against his lips and softens into him, slender fingers curling around one of Gintoki’s wrists, just holding onto him. Gintoki doesn’t have to look to know the other is likely extended behind him, reaching for Zura, inviting him into this warmth so they can share in it once more.

It had been like this for as long as Gintoki cares to remember; him, the driving force and Zura the backbone and Takasugi caught between them, mysterious even when they knew him well and always quiet, always self-contained in a way that only made Gintoki all the more desperate to stay beside him. Takasugi’s head tilts back and Gintoki follows the movement, deepening the kiss, feeling the brush of Zura’s hair against his cheek just before Zura’s lips touch down on Takasugi’s exposed throat. No one knows him well but together the two of them know him well enough; he goes soft between them even as his fingers tighten around Gintoki’s wrist.

“This is nice,” Zura murmurs, and Gintoki pulls himself away from Takasugi’s lips with great effort, “but help me undress him. We don’t know how long we have with each other.”

He has a point, and Gintoki steals one more kiss from Takasugi’s lips before he slips his hands under the folds of the ornate silk kimono. “Tell us what you want,” he says, and Takasugi’s lips slip into the slightest smile before he carefully returns to his neutral expression.

“Your mouth on me. I miss it.” Takasugi’s voice is lower, even quieter than Zura’s but Gintoki hears it loud in his head and his knees almost slip out from underneath him once more.

“You heard him,” Zura tells him, and even in the shadows of the room, half-darkness and half-moonlight, Gintoki can see his eyes shining. “It’d be cruel to deprive him of that.”

Gintoki sinks to his knees before the kimono is even removed, pushing up what’s in his way and biting down on his fist to stifle a groan when he finds nothing underneath.

* * *

_ Gintoki is the first one to kiss him. Awkward teenagers on the cusp of adulthood, the three of them are still by each other’s sides after all of these years. One night finds them competing to throw stones into the ocean, aiming for impossible distances across the black water. _

_ Zura vanishes to find more stones and Takasugi sits perched on a large rock made smooth by the ocean waves. Gintoki stands next to him, rolling his shoulder to work the soreness out of it, paying attention to nothing in particular until his eyes light on the way the moonlight shines in Takasugi’s eyes. _

_ He’s too young to know what love is but old enough to feel that weird twinge in his chest at the way Takasugi looks, so calm and composed even though all of them are the same age. He drops down on the rock beside him, a little harder than he should, and Takasugi looks over at him and smiles, running a hand through his hair. It’s streaked with purple and almost glows under the light, which must be some trick and yet it’s still breathtaking. _

_ Awkward, still, Gintoki takes Takasugi’s hand in his own, just as callused as his from practicing with their swords and wrestling and playing with one another, exploring and climbing and getting into everything whether they should or not. There’s something nice about sitting here in the dark and the quiet, the only sounds being the gulls above the water and the ocean waves shifting and lapping at the shore only a few feet away from there they sit. _

_ “Can I kiss you?” he asks, because he doesn’t know any other way to do it. _

_ “Oh.” Takasugi looks thoughtful before he nods and turns to face Gintoki better. He looks nervous but smiles broader, just the same. “Yes. I wouldn’t mind if you did that.” _

_ Zura says nothing about it when he returns to find them still kissing, fingers linked together and the moon framing them like an ethereal backdrop. He just drops the stones he’s recovered at their feet, points to the highest crest of the moon on the water, and throws. _

* * *

They support Takasugi between them, one of his legs draped over Gintoki’s shoulder while the bend of the other rests in Zura’s elbow; stretched between them he’s secure. The kimono is bunched up around his waist, the best the two of them could do in this current state but Takasugi seems not to mind, reclined slightly against Zura’s chest, head tilted to the side, eyes closed. Zura kisses his throat, sucks the skin there and down to where the shoulder of his kimono has slipped down, baring even more sun-kissed skin for their attention.

Gintoki is on his knees, one hand wrapped around Takasugi’s thigh while the other cradles his ass, holding him like an offering as he presses reverent kisses up the insides of his thighs. How long has it been? He can’t remember the last time they had been like this together, much less in this position and he hungers for this more than he thought possible. Takasugi’s fingers are curled lazily in his hair, not guiding or urging him, not pulling, just a warm weight there, a presence Gintoki cannot shake. Not that he would want to. After all, the last thing he wants is to be without Takasugi. Hasn’t he made that clear a thousand times over?

“Gintoki,” Takasugi murmurs, and his voice is slurred a little around the edges, soft and sleepy; the thought that being between them again makes him like this sends a little thrill through Gintoki’s gut, “don’t tease me. I’ve been waiting for this just as long as you have.”

The thought makes Gintoki’s gut twist again and he looks up at Takasugi over the folds of his kimono, almost distracted by the way Zura sucks wet kisses into his skin. “I’m not, I swear, I’m just… It’s been a long time and I guess I just forgot how… How much you were. How much all of this was. I just need a second to take it all in.”

“You’re fine,” Zura tells him, and he looks down at him with the familiar fond smile that always makes Gintoki stupidly grateful that Zura is his— Theirs. “Just don’t make him wait too long.”

Gintoki takes a deep breath and then presses his head between Takasugi’s thighs, where he’s warmer and softer and already damp. This is familiar, though; Gintoki inhales the scent of him and then drags his tongue over him, delving between his folds to tease the nerves they conceal. There had been jokes made about how he was not only a demon on the battlefield but also in the bedroom, evidenced by how easily he could bring Takasugi down with nothing more than this mouth and his determination to do so. Takasugi’s fingers curl tighter in his hair and he picks up the softest, breathiest gasp of a moan somewhere over his head.

He knows Takasugi’s body intimately well and nothing has changed about that. His tongue follows familiar paths that he could trace in his sleep, leaving long wet licks over the hood of his clitoris, teasing the opening of his body until he’s rewarded with slick heat hot and heady on his tongue. The fingers in his hair curl tighter and he takes that as encouragement, pressing his tongue inside, opening Takasugi up with just that. He’s so tight, and the thought he hasn’t been with anyone else since them is almost enough to bowl Gintoki over. But he anchors himself to the floor and focuses his attention on Takasugi’s clitoris, slow licks between harder and faster ones, sucking gently until the thigh muscles beneath his fingers twitch and tremble.

“He missed you,” Zura says, and it takes Gintoki just a moment to realize he’s speaking to Takasugi, not him, and his cock jumps at the words. “We both did. Even if you have to leave after this, we’re going to give you a memory to take with you when you go.”

Takasugi moans, soft and quiet, just like he is, and writhes between them.

Gintoki adds, in his head,  _ And a memory to remind you that you can always come back and we’ll be here waiting for you when you do. _

* * *

_ “I think I’m in love with him,” Gintoki tells Zura on an autumn afternoon, the chill almost biting enough to make him think better of coming out this far in the first place. But he wanted to be open and honest with his best friend. “I’ve thought about it. And I really do think so.” _

_ Zura snaps a twig off of a nearby tree and twirls it between his fingers, nimble and quick as always. “I get that,” he says, and he offers Gintoki a smile that is too kind and too bright, something he definitely does not deserve given the circumstances. “Did you know some people love more than one person at a time? But we aren’t supposed to talk about that.” _

_ Gintoki blinks at him, not sure what that means or how to take that, but he fumbles for words just the same. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that,” he says slowly. _

_ Zura leans forward before Gintoki can process it and kisses him, just a quick peck of lips on lips that makes Gintoki’s brain fuzzy before he carefully puts the pieces together. Even then, Zura just studies his face, saying nothing and doing nothing, just waiting for him to react. Later, Gintoki will think that Zura was much more upfront with him than he managed to be himself, and that he’s happy to have Zura in his life, and he’ll probably always be at least grateful. _

_ But that’s later. For now, he leans in himself and kisses Zura, initiates it on his own grounds and lets a hand get tangled up in all of that long black hair. They’re still teenage boys but closer to adulthood than ever before and he thinks that if all of this blows up in his face, it might have been worth it just to have the privilege of kissing the two best people he knows. But at the time, he doesn’t think it will blow up. Because Zura looks at Takasugi the same way he does sometimes, and Gintoki thinks that maybe, just maybe, they can both love two people. _

* * *

Gintoki has two fingers slicked inside of Takasugi, curling and thrusting in tandem with his tongue when Zura clears his throat above them, struggling to be heard over Takasugi’s soft whines. “Maybe we should move this to the futon now.”

“Probably,” he agrees, and though he stands, he keeps his fingers inside of Takasugi and kisses him with the taste of Takasugi still on his tongue. “How do you want us? We won’t do anything you don’t want us to do and you know that.”

“Both of you,” Takasugi chokes out, and he looks so flushed and rumpled in a way Gintoki hasn’t seen in years. “Inside… It’s been too long and if I have to leave then I want that.”

Zura hums and kisses the back of his neck, nuzzling into his hair as he does, though his eyes meet Gintoki’s dead on. “We can do that. Lay him down and I’ll get what we need.”

Gintoki has to remove his fingers to accept Takasugi’s weight, and the way his legs quiver beneath him when he has both of his feet on the ground shows just how much Gintoki’s mouth was doing to him. He lays him down and kisses him, hot and hungry, and Takasugi wraps both hands around the back of his neck, hooking a leg around his waist to pull him in close.

His fingers go back inside, two joined by a third to work him up, slow and steady, and though he knows when Zura joins them he hardly processes it. He watches as Zura removes Takasugi’s kimono finally with swift and easy movements, and he’s more beautiful naked than he is wrapped in bright and colorful silks and satins. He has scars from battle, just like them, and Gintoki presses a kiss over a familiar one on his shoulder, tracing the ridges of it with his tongue. Takasugi’s fingers slip up into his hair, nails raking across his scalp.

“Don’t stop,” Zura tells him, and Gintoki looks up at him, silent but questioning. “Keep your fingers inside of him, make sure he’s open. I’ll be doing the same. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen his face when we’re opening him up together.”

Gintoki laughs, and it’s the first time he’s felt this light and carefree since, well… “You got it. Besides, I don’t think he’s going to let me stop any time soon.”

“Better not,” Takasugi murmurs, his voice thick as he rolls his hips, taking Gintoki’s fingers in deeper, “or the next time I stab you, I definitely won’t miss your vital organs.”

It should ruin the mood. Oddly, it doesn’t. “I’d hold still and let you do it for stopping anyway.”

“You’re both awful,” Zura informs them. “Don’t kiss him yet. I want to hear what sound he makes.”

Gintoki keeps certain lubrication in his room specifically for his use and there’s something intimate about watching Zura slick his fingers with it, reaching between Takasugi’s legs. It’s hard to tell from the angle but knowing him, he just starts with one finger, and the soft, pitiful moan Takasugi makes for them makes Gintoki painfully aware of just how hard he is.

“That’s right. That’s good.” Zura drops a kiss onto Takasugi’s shoulder as he works his ass open and the way he clenches down around Gintoki’s fingers is incredible. “Open up for us. And we’ll take you and give you everything you want.”

The two of them stretch him open in tandem without even having to look at each other to coordinate their movements and Takasugi trembles between them. Gintoki can feel Zura’s fingers moving, the membrane between them thin enough for him to detect the movements and allow Gintoki to match them. The pressure is a lot of Takasugi to bear but he does it with only a few small noises, his legs twisted open for them to touch him as they please. Gintoki presses his face into the curve of his neck and shoulder, kissing his sweat-dampened skin as he feels the opening around his fingers gush wetter with every twist of his fingers. He curls them because he can, presses his thumb against Takasugi’s clitoris just to listen to him groan.

“He’s ready for us,” Zura says, and the slick sound of him removing his fingers makes Gintoki vividly aware that he hasn’t touched himself, that his dick is almost painfully hard now. “You first, Gintoki. Give him an anchor for me, okay?”

“Of course.” It takes the two of them to shift Takasugi up on his knees, and he wraps his arms around Gintoki’s shoulders, pressing a warm wet kiss to the side of his neck as he goes. Gintoki presses their foreheads together, Takasugi’s bandage a strange texture against his skin. “It’s just like we’ve done a thousand times before, y’know? You ready for me?”

Takasugi scoffs softly at him and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I know. You two were my first, after all. Yes, I’m more than adequately prepared for you.”

“If you need to, you can lean back against me at any time. I’m right here.” Zura wraps an arm around Takasugi’s waist, the backbone of their trio, the foundation of it all.

“I’ll go slow and won’t rush in.” Gintoki kisses Takasugi one last time before leaning back enough to undress, wrapping a hand around his unattended cock.

“I appreciate your concern and compassion but I am not a porcelain doll liable to break if I am handled roughly. I can assure you of that.” Takasugi’s fingers brush over his own chest, where his bushido would be if he were dressed. “I was taught to be stronger than that.”

When Gintoki presses the head of his cock against Takasugi’s entrance, there is resistance as his muscles work to open wide enough to take Gintoki inside. There is always resistance before satisfaction. But Takasugi’s body knows his well and opens up around him, taking him inside to the wet, tight heat he’s only fantasized about when he was drunk.

Takasugi’s head falls back and Gintoki watches his expression, watches his full lips part around a silent sound, watching his eye close slowly as he savors the stretch. Gintoki remembers all too often just how much he savored it the first time, eyes closed, hand braced on his bicep and telling him not to stop, not to slow down, to just let it happen naturally.

This time is no different. Gintoki rolls his hips to sink in deeper, inch by inch, listening to the soft trapped sounds in Takasugi’s throat as their bodies slowly unite. How long had it been? He doesn’t want to think about it. Instead, he rests his head against Takasugi’s, pressing kisses into his hair and whispering encouragements into his ear. They come fast and easy and without thought; his brain is hardly connected right now, floating off in some dark blissful paradise.

He holds Takasugi in his arms, Zura wrapped around him as well so that the two of them can be everything he needs right now in this moment. Gintoki’s hands sprawl across his back and he can feel the scars there, prominent against his skin but just as much a part of him as the purple in his hair and the quiet and subdued tones of his voice. Their Shinsuke…

“My turn,” Zura says, and Gintoki accepts Takasugi’s weight with ease, feeling teeth press into his neck not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to make themselves known. “You ready?”

“You can stop asking if I’m ready. The two of you know that I am more than suitably fine to take you both.” Takasugi gives his hips a small sway to demonstrate this and promptly moans when that shifts how Gintoki fits inside of him; Gintoki himself hisses softly and slings to Takasugi that much harder at the sensation, the squeeze around his cock.

Zura laughs and Gintoki watches as he trails kisses across Takasugi’s shoulders; up close he can see the small bruises left by Zura’s mouth. “I like taking care of you. Now hold onto him so I have some peace of mind. It’s been a long time for all three of us.”

Gintoki watches down the sweep of Takasugi’s back. He watches Zura take his own cock in hand, fingers wrapped around the length of it, longer than his but not as wide, and he can remember the first time he touched Zura like that. Why this dredges up so many memories for him, he has no idea. He doesn’t think he wants it to stop, though, for the influx of the past to end in his mind so he’s only left with the painful present. If he remembers the past, he might be able to have hope for a time when this can be their every night together.

Zura moans as he works his cock inside, inch by inch, and Takasugi sighs, presses his hips back to take in more, take it in faster. Gintoki drops a hand down to touch where he’s stretched around Zura already, massaging the ring of muscle to feel Takasugi shake.

Once Zura is deep inside, they find a rhythm together, a tandem that works for the three of them, that always has and always will. Takasugi gives as good as he gets, shifting his hips between the two of them, his inner muscles tightening around Gintoki’s cock in such a way that he knows Zura must be feeling the same sensation, yet different. He kisses Zura over Takasugi’s shoulder and then they kiss him together, wet and messy and more tongue than anything else. It’s not perfect, but nothing between them has ever been perfect.

Takasugi is warm and willing and soft between the two of them, muscles as hard and skin as scarred and past heavy with the same pain they all carry on their shoulders. For just this moment, Gintoki can pretend none of that exists, that they’re just three ronin who fell in love as children and who were never quite able to let go of each other.

* * *

_ The sight of the bandage around his head makes something deep within Gintoku’s chest ache in a way it never has before. “So… There’s nothing they can do for you? This is it?” _

_ “It’s part of battle. Sometimes, things happen.” Takasugi is so quiet and withdrawn, his face turned toward the blanket stretched across his legs, his hands folded neatly in his lap. The pain must be extraordinary, and yet he remains so quiet. “Don’t look at me like you pity me.” _

_ Zura shakes his head and sits on the side of the bed, resting his hand on top of both of Takasugi’s. “He doesn’t pity you. Neither of us want to see you suffer such pain.” _

_ Takasugi pulls his hands away. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I can still see out of one eye, after all.” _

_ The two of them sit with him until he falls asleep, still too pale and thin from remaining in the hospital for so long. Gintoki touches the edge of the bandage and wonders if Takasugi was serious when he said he was going to be fine. _

* * *

“I have to go now.” Takasugi sits up in their warm pile of limbs and afterglow and reaches for his kimono, shrugging it on as he stands. “You understand such things, I assume.”

Gintoku sits up to watch Takasugi properly dress himself, slip on his shoes, and replace the copy of his bushido on the inside of his kimono. He straps his sword around his waist and looks at Gintoki with no expression on his face; as if the last few hours between the three of them had never happened and the two of them are back on his airship. Gintoku wants to argue with him and tell him that he can stay. After all, he and Zura had proved tonight they would forgive him and take him back into their lives if the possibility was there.

“I do understand,” he says. Even if they could take Takasugi back into their lives and their arms, he would never consent to that. He chose his path, and they chose theirs, and those paths lead in separate directions. “The next time we see each other, I’ll probably have to fight you again. And I want you to know that this time, I won’t hold back. There won’t be anything to stop me.”

Zura sits up as well, drawing his long graceful legs up against his chest. “The same goes for me. If this is the choice you will make, then we have to make our own choices in turn.”

“I would expect no less from the two of you and I look forward to that fight. We deserve a battle to settle our score.” Takasugi’s eyes flick downward and he tilts his chin up just slightly. “The blow I dealt you… The scar is still there. Deeper and larger than even Benizakura’s.”

Gintoki presses his hand over the scar in question and smiles. “Yeah, that’s true,” he says, giving Takasugi a quick nod. “But this is just a scar, and I survived the wound. And every time I see the scar or touch it and remember it’s there, it makes me think of you. Like Zura said, you made your choice. We just can’t follow you down that path.”

“Of course. I knew that before I came here.” Takasugi straightens his appearance one last time, then bows his head to Gintoki. “Thank you for this. I’ll remember it.”

“Take it with you,” Zura says, “even if it’s nothing more than a fond memory.”

Takasugi smiles at him. It’s half-assed and strange but a smile nonetheless. “I’ll carry it with me.”

He leaves the house as quietly as he came and Gintoki locks up before returning to his room, unsurprised to find Zura stretched out on his futon once more, patting the open spot next to him. Gintoki lays down and pulls the comforter over the two of them, and Zura kisses him goodnight. It’s bittersweet that he can taste Takasugi’s lips on Zura’s.

“I can sleep now,” he says. “I hope you can too, after all of that.”

Gintoki laughs and nods but says nothing else, letting Zura tuck his head under Gintoki’s chin. He breaths hot and warm against Gintoki’s throat, a familiar presence.

_ I’ll carry it with me. _ Like his ideals, his ambitions, and his goals for the future. Gintoki will carry it with him, too, if as nothing more than a fond memory.

* * *

_ Gintoki falls in love twice in his lifetime. Once with one best friend and once more with another best friend. Zura had told him that people could fall in love with more than one person, but what he forgot to explain was that it doubles the chance for heartbreak. When Takasugi embeds his sword in Gintoki’s gut, he might as well have aimed for his heart, a double whammy strong enough to end his pain once and for all instead of forcing him to live a life with it on his shoulders. _

_ Letting go is impossible. The three of them are a single unit, a single soul split between three bodies brought together by the power of the universe. Letting go of Takasugi and condemning him to the darkness he has fallen into would be paramount to giving up on himself and on the belief that he has something to fight for, something as strong as Takasugi has. _

_ Three ronin who grew up together to become lovers and then enemies. Three young men who would never be the same without one another, but who can never be with one another because of the very world that had drawn them togethre in the first place. _

_ Gintoki will always carry Takasugi with him even if it remains his ultimate downfall. _

**Author's Note:**

> watched the gintama live action movie this weekend and thoroughly ruined my own life in the process. anyway half of this could be retconned by movie 2 but i don't mind. i just had to write about these three in one way or another.


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